Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Father’s Day is coming soon, so I’ve been thinking about you more than usual. Usually I only think about you every couple of days, but Father’s Day makes it closer to every day. I don’t know if you or anybody else realizes how much your absence affected me. So I’m writing this letter to remedy that.

For a long time, I was full of hatred. Toward you for leaving so quickly and easily. Toward myself for not being good enough to make you want to stay. Toward god for letting it all happen. This hatred dominated the way I thought about you, myself, and God, and it still even skews my thoughts.

On top of the hatred, I suffered from immense sorrow. Because my father, the one man I should’ve been able to rely on, abandoned me. Because I wasn’t smart, athletic, or simply good enough to make you stay, despite my best efforts. Because you seemed to drop me and move on, while I was left in pieces. Most of the time, this sorrow was merely a constant ache in my life, but at times, it was crippling agony that prevented me from enjoying life.

As if that wasn’t enough, I carried a ton of fear. That I would become a disconnected, absentee husband and father like you. That I would hurt others because I was hurt by you. That I would lose others who were close to me, because how can I rely on others to stay when the one man who should stay was gone? In short, I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough and that my inadequacy would ruin everything in my life.

All of that gets worse around Father’s Day. When I see everybody post about their awesome dads, I’m plagued with jealousy. I wanted what they always had. A father to be present. A father to teach me about life, relationships, and responsibility. A father to model a healthy marriage. The bare minimum that I wanted was a father who would try. But I didn’t even get that.

I don’t want to paint you as “the bad guy.” I simply want to be real about what your actions have done to me. Losing you was the worst thing imaginable. Nothing has hurt so much and for so long as your absence. Nothing has influenced who I am and what I do more than you leaving me by your own will. On my worst days, I’m an absolute train wreck. And on my best days, I usually manage to be “alright.” If I’m being honest, I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on anybody. Nobody deserves this level of heartache and suffering.

So what do I want? Well, I want to hug you and talk to you. I wanted you to watch me graduate, both high school and undergraduate. I want you to see me get married and have kids of my own someday. I want you to see and acknowledge the adult I have grown to be, without and perhaps in spite of you. But above all, I want you to be present, to love me, to be proud of me. I just want my daddy.

I hope you’re content with the life that you lead. I hope you still have friends and family whom you love and who love you. I hope that whatever you gained was worth losing me. I hope you know that I’m alright. I hope you still think of me sometimes. Most of all, if you find out what I’m doing with my life, I hope you’re proud of me.

But despite what I want and hope, there isn’t anything for us to do. You chose to leave. That bridge has been crossed and burnt behind us. We both have to learn to live with that now. There’s too much pain and distrust for us to have a relationship. I don’t know when I’ll stop aching when I think of you, but I have to keep going forward. I wish you the best in your life without me. I have to find my way without you, like I always have.

I miss you, but…Goodbye…Dad.